his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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