dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
