Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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