Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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