fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
