there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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