she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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