Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
