Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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