either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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