i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
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You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
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As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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