Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
