I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
