I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
