Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
