my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
