you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
