So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
