I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
