There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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