Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats