Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?