1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
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I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
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you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.