at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
