you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
