The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
