im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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