is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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