Ketchup is God's man juice
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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