oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This is my gift to your gina
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
