glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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