Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
