Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
