The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo