i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.