So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?