there's paper in my vomit.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
