seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
