Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
