Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
