Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
