3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
