i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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