Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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