I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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