nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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