Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
