We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My breasts were aching with rage.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
