I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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