Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
