I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
