brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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