If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
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i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
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No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth