I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
