I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
