So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize