dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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