i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
