She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
