The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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