I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
