I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
