If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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