Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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