i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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