so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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