thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Couch. On fire.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
