Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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