My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
